There's no point to it. No point in reaching out politically, the gulf is too wide; no point in reaching out professionally, since I have at most three and a half years to go; no point in reaching out personally because friends are a nearly universal disappointment (perhaps I have terrible judgement). I'm happy to have congenial acquaintances, but no closer.
No point in finding new places that stock the oddball stuff, much of it electronics, that interests me: the ones that haven't already closed are winding down. The same is true for fiction magazines; what were once paying markets (and they do still try) are endless wells of financial need and to subscribe is to receive emails a few times a year, admitting things aren't going so well and inviting you to kick in a few bucks to keep the publisher going. You'd have to be heartless (which I'm not) or wary of losing money (which I am, past a spare five I didn't need for lunch anyway) to turn away.
The world I grew up in and became a functioning adult in was fading away before the pandemic, albeit with a little grace. The pandemic and political turmoil upended it and what's left is mostly ruins. I don't care for the world that is emerging from the wreckage and I am unwilling to spend the rest of my days weeping in the ashes of the past -- and so I am done reaching out.
You people want to fuck up the world? Great, get to it. Go screw yourselves. I'll be reading books I already own.
Gee Minetly. Don't curl up into a ball completely. I still enjoy reading you and hope you'll continue
ReplyDeleteAs do I. Creative chef work and a take on the world that makes me think, though, at 79, I share many of your views.
ReplyDeleteStill here, still reading, usually agreeing. You don't have to address the situation every day, if ever. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI still patronize the library (and chip in both books and cash).
ReplyDeleteBut as to talking with friends about politics, that's becoming a hard no. They aren't changing their mind, I'm not changing mine. And I have a really hard time with people who have been friends for decades who now support politicians who would see me stuffed into a boxcar.
Some words from the Bhagavad Gita:
ReplyDelete"You grieve for those for whom you should not grieve.
The wise grieve neither for the living nor the dead.
Never at any time was I not, nor thou, nor these princes of men
Nor shall we ever cease to be.
The unreal has no being
The real never ceases to be."
The people we love
live on in our memory
...and in the witness of the love
we bring to life in that memory.
We learn love
...and pass it on.
All this shit matters enormously...or not at all. The thing that became apparent from raising kids is that I really understood so little of what they were coming in themselves to be, that what I wanted to give them (all that comprehension that I paid so dearly for), they couldn't take or had little use for. And who can communicate *anything* to someone else? Love, oh yes, integrity, kindness...and oh please, that so difficult thing: the ability to *listen*...those are pearls beyond price that you cannot give, but sometimes, people can take.
My kids love me and I am humbled. I do not know why. I feel I did such a half-assed, stumbling in the dark job of it. So. This concludes my sermon:
What you want to give and do will be of limited success...but you, *you*,
the person may be remembered with appreciation...just by being, doing, showing up. Keep it simple and know that that is enough.
You were the one that put the tools away, that organized the tool room so others could find things (for a while), that knew how to fix the cranky old system from the last century...and really understood it...and could explain *why* it was the way it was...and how to keep it limping along.
It's very human (and necessary) to despair. Wallow in it as long as you need. Don't make it a lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteI have enormous respect for you and your words.