Saturday, January 26, 2008

My Candidate Endorsement

I'd been dithering, torn between Fred Thompson and he-who-shall-not-be-named (luaP noR; a good-enough guy or as close as we'll see but naming him draws his zombies, alas).

Mr. Thompson neatly solved that one for me (umm, gee, thanks?), but I'm still a bit iffy on the other fellow; a vote for him would at least put a mild thrill of fear into the Stupid wing of the Party Of Treason [1]. I was even, for awhile, giving thought to registering Evil wing/Party Of Treason this time and voting for Kucinnich, who while being quite evil indeed and of the worst, I-know-what's-best-for-you-ignernt-masses sort, at least seems to be having a little darned fun with it, but he chickened out, too.[2]

Okayfine. Kevin has the perfect candidate:

The happiest day of my life is gonna be when that vast and indescribably hideous, sticky-green, tentacle-faced form stumbles and shudders down Pennsylvania Avenue leaving a trail of powerfully acidic slime and a smell that will shrivel men's minds and souls, squelches up to the platform and eats the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, the outgoing Chief Executive and everyone else within reach of those long, rubbery arms and flabby claws. [3]

DC's already a city of unnatural angles found in no Earthly geometry and architectural abominations constructed to no human purpose or scale. The dead and dreaming dread god will feel at home there as if he was settling down upon his ceremonial bier in sunken R'lyeh. After a month or two and a million deaths or so, shoggoths will seem as familiar on the streets as city buses. And by then Cthulhu will have eaten most of the Islamic terrorists and washed 'em down with crude oil steaming-fresh from the well. It'll be a whole new age -- at least for those among the survivors who are quick to adapt.

It'll be a new lease on life, too, for most of the Congresscritters and the Veep, in the most literal manner -- and the publically-visible parts of them will still look mostly human. Well, at least as much as they do now.

Cthulhu fhtagn! Cthulhu fhtagn! Cthulhu fhtagn!

Might as well.
1. You call 'em whatever you want but in my world, we have the Stupid and Evil wings of the Party Of Treason, which works to undermine the Constitution and Bill of Rights while increasing the power of central government and which has controlled this country at least since the Whigs were put down, and then the "other parties:" Klingons (good but ignored) and the Fire-Loathers (evil and not ignored enough). I usually vote Klingon in the real elections and have been known to vote Stupid/Party of Treason in the beauty pageants in a vain attempt to aim their tiny little pointy heads at the light of reason.

2. Readers do understand that this is the "vote for the weakest candidate of party you least like in the primary" trick, right?

3. Basic concept taken from Lewis Black, though his suggestion was to elect Ronald Reagan's corpse to the office. Compared to what's on the table, not an unappealing idea.


Carteach said...

So..... this means you are voting for
Mrs. Clinton then?

Roberta X said...


Land's sake, boy, she's smallish and not that green. That's how you tell 'em apart.

Carteach said...

Hmm... I always had her pegged as an incarnation of the evil lord, biding time till the shell is torn away and he emerges in full slithering glory.

She's not?

Anonymous said...

Bumper sticker time?
"Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Cthulhu"

Roberta X said...

"Not nearly evil enough," Teach!

She's not even an outstanding villian!

phlegmfatale said...

OK, count me in for Cthulu, too.