Item: John Gregg Runs For Governor.
Item: Rescued Baby Walrus Headed For Indianapolis Zoo.
A-hem. This is just the start, you know! There's a third walrus up to something somewhere, which will prove it's a Movement.
Tonight, the Walus debates Mike "the Carpenter's buddy" Pence* and wildman-with-a-heart-of-gold Rupert Boneham. (If you were wondering, we are their oysters.) It'll be on all the best channels -- in antique-y low-definition video (at least in color!), since the PBS station that's slappin' in the names and numbers didn't happen to have a whole 16x9 gloriou$ HDTV graphics suite floating around doing nothing, just in case debating candidates came stumbling down the road. As it happens, their ideals, proposals, projections and oratorial skills will be unaffected by this retrograde infringement of our right to sit at home and count the pores in their cute little button noses. We're not hiring them to look pretty on TV.
The money's on Mike Pence, who is holding a good lead in the polls. I'm voting for Rupert.
* Mike, Mike, Mike... I wanted to like you, I really did; and if you'd been forthright enough to stand up and say in your ads, "I'm serious about my faith -- the morals of Christianity guide my actions," I'd've been okay with it; we'd've just had to watch you real close. But instead, you (or your ad agency, but you "approved this message") had to sneak sly little dogwhistles into nearly all your ads, lines that would pass unnoticed by the Heathen but ring out to believers. So, you've "a servant's heart," do you? Yes, and a lawyer's tongue, I gather. Please don't pull that kind of stuff as Governor. It's undignified.
T. R. MCELROY'S STREAMLINED TELEGRAPH KEYS
9 months ago