Toasters and I have had a long, unhappy relationship ever since I decided to put my simple, solid Sunbeam out to pasture nearly thirty years ago.
What replaced it was "the toaster with a brain." It must have had one; the level of malevolence it exhibited would have been impossible otherwise. Several others followed, all unsatisfactory to some degree.
But the current one--! Like most modern appliances, it was probably made in China or Mexico, but the way it treats bagels has me wondering about a certain European country and a time machine. It's been cooking along, doing an adequate job with English Muffins and even pumpernickel. Yesterday, Tam picked up a package of "Everything" bagels, a treat I cannot resist. Popped one in the toaster this morning while I vulcanized an egg* and about flipover time, it occurred to me that I should have heard clicksproing! I had not and a quick look showed the bagel halves were commencing to begin to burn. Caught it in time and a little knife work over the wastebasket took care of the damage -- but this was the exact same setting I'd used through two packages of the aforementioned (just plain old muffins in the UK) muffins plus a whole loaf of dark bread and the start of another. Suddenly, it wasn't just wrong, it was way wrong.
I thought I had reconciled with the Toaster Lares and/or Penates.† Now I'm starting to wonder if I even should.
* I like the yolk broken and fried hard, a kind of "unscrambled" egg. And I wonder why they seat me below the salt?
† Penates seem to be the likeliest to be in charge of toasters per se, with the Lares making sure I check on the infernal machine in time.
T. R. MCELROY'S STREAMLINED TELEGRAPH KEYS
9 months ago