Friday, April 22, 2016

While I Am Smashing The Toaster To Smitherernies, Enjoy This Ultralight Ornithopter

     It's relaxing to think of a rubber-band-powered ornithopter, a device so lightweght it seems to swim through air as heavy as soup.

     Ahhhhh.

     I can almost forget the rage and horror:  My toaster has betrayed me for the last time.  It has developed an unnatural hunger for Pop-Tarts; it's sad enough I can only find the one flavor without frosting, sadder still that it's not blueberry -- alas, Babylon! Alas, vaccinium corymbosum! -- and saddest of all that the toaster merrily pops up a pair of 'em with enough force that one leaps out of the bottom support (which is, I swear it, barbed), falls past it and jams in the crumbs at the bottom and the heating element at the side.  Being a Pop-Tart, it's got less structural integrity than wet tissue paper, so every attempt to free it results in more and more hot, sugared filling being smeared into unreachable corners, nooks and crannies.  That evil machine has got to go! (It's a brand that gets rave reviews, too.  Yeah, well, maybe.)

6 comments:

Jake (formerly Riposte3) said...

A good toaster oven is the way to go. Better capacity (easier to fit bagels, etc.), no ejection issues, and if you're suspicious about the "darkness" setting, you can watch through the glass door and interrupt the process at any time.

As an added benefit, they're great for reheating individual slices of pizza without making the crust tough and chewy, among other things.

wheelgun said...

It could be worse.... https://youtu.be/2KyRCQp32p8

Carteach said...

Unfrosted Blueberry... the ONLY Poptart worth having. Toasted, with butter.

I can still find them here, and when I do, I buy as many as I think my willpower can handle.

Anonymous said...


They call that 'ultralight construction' in the description, I'm familiar with microfilm indoor models, is that similar?

"-- alas, Babylon!"

Now there's a blast from the past. I just re-read it a few years back, and found that post-nuclear survival tale seems rather quaint today...

Merle Morrison said...

Are you going to "ventilate" that POS toaster? If so, please film & post it's demise!

Merle

c-90 said...

"Ready on the Left?" "The Left is ready!" "Ready on the Right?" "The Right is ready!" "Ready on the firing line!" "TARGET! Toaster in the open! Range 100yrds! Commence! Commence! Commence!"