No, No, No

     ...See, when something's askew, wrong, ill-fitting?  It does not jibe.  Now, if someone can't hack the patois, if they're not hip to the sprach, unable to doubletalk and befuddle The Man, then -- and only then, my brother, my cousin, my no-relative-of-mine, may you say that they do not -- cannot! -- jive.

     But I should'a knowed you'd hone right in on that, no doubt as a part of your constant homing of your linguistic skills.

     Pfui!  Next person pulls one of those, I'm gonna throw my Unabridged at him.  'Salright, I've got a spare -- 'cos "Two is one and one is none," and a goodly number of persons, many of them in possession of keyboards, appear to be well down in the negative numbers.

     Look, there are plenty of common spoken contractions and slang terms you may sensibly use in writing, especially informal writing, but there are other spoken usages that are just plain wrong.  The people who use 'em have never seen the correct versions and probably don't read much other than cereal boxes and the sports pages, lips moving as they do.  Don't let them haul you back down into the crab bucket.