Tuesday, September 04, 2012

50 Shades Of Foolishness

I'm not a subject-matter expert -- other than living a rich, full life doing things that leave lingering marks: bicycling, motorscootering, rock-climbing, fooling around with hot solder and power tools, being young-broke-and-lacking-proper-dental-hygiene, etc. You do stuff and sometimes it has consequences you'd better understand ahead of time. I've got scars and calluses and old broken-and-mostly-healed bones.

I tried to keep quiet when the TV morning chat show was showing items for couples to do "50 Shades role-playing" with, featuring skinny plastic zip-ties as "restraints" -- these'd be the things policepersons (ahem) and soldiers have to go through training to use and still sometimes damage people with; the things you need diagonal cutters to remove, cuticle scissors literally won't cut it.

Then Tam and I were at the Broad Ripple Kroger and this was on the newsstand:
PHOTO BY A WILDLY CACKLING TAM. USED WITH PERMISSION.

Yep, right there next to Quarters Crafterly and Ills Sportulated. (But no pin-up books, 'cos that stuff is dirty. Lots of the steamier romance novels, though; funny, that.) Happy, lighthearted idle reading for the shallow. Y'know what you get after that? Sometimes, this: "Italian sex-slave wife sues husband after divorce." 'Cos all that hot-sexy-fun will not necessarily stay fun forever (especially after nerve damage from too-tight zip ties on your wrists too long).

Lookit, I don't care about your sex life; mostly, I don't want to know. 93%? Seems a bit high. Sex is kind of like sports: most anyone can do it but only a few people are really built for the most strenuous kinds, and the best of them know themselves and their "sporting goods" really, really well. At that level of performance, more people read about than do and no matter how gifted you are, there will come a time when you slow down, or your interests change; you'd better plan for it.

And sometimes a spicy book is better left as a book.

12 comments:

CGHill said...

Especially if it's a book you have no particular urge to pick up.

Shermlock Shomes said...

The audio book of "Fifty Shades" is preferable. Gilbert Gottfried's interpretation gives the book the seriousness and depth that it deserves.

Anonymous said...

Didn't Commander Vimes say/think something like "Sex is like food -- people love to read exotic recipes and think about going to fancy resturants, but they'll be satisfied with a burger and chips."

Anonymous said...

If you define "role play" as "dress up, go somewhere unusual, and act like you're madly in love", then 93% seems entirely realistic...

TomcatTCH said...

I don't get it. Double locking handcuffs are so easy to buy you can amazon them! Why in the world would they use zip ties?

Angus McThag said...

If sex is like sports, there's lots and lots of people playing fantasy football out there.

LabRat said...

I'll give Fifty Shades this much, it's an absolutely hilarious instant personality test in female-dominated social circles.

I have not had to keep my teeth locked to my tongue so hard as when the subject went around the Roller Derpy league ever.

docjim505 said...

My wife, much to my amusement, read the first two books. Her take:

1. They are badly written, with the same phrases being used over and over again;

2. They are not especially erotic or "edgy".

I suggest that they appeal to some women for the same reason that the "Twilight" books (which, apparently, inspired them) do: they feature a rather insecure woman who becomes the all-possessing love interest of a rich, hot, slightly dangerous man.

Roberta X said...

...Or,"50 Shades" is 9-1/2 Weeks without any of the things that made that film work; Story Of O without "Pauline Reage's" serene awareness that she was writing a lit'ry (pardon the phrase) wank book for her married boyfriend -- and with their wartime experiences in the French Underground to sharpen the distinction between fantasy and reality.

Yeah, I'll pass.

Sabra said...

The Wal-Mart we saw it at had the books themselves...Shrink-wrapped. And a whole shelf of Harlequins, which have been doing that sort of mild kink for decades now, completely free & open. There's a shocking amount of cluelessness out there.

Tam said...

"Roller Derpy"

LOL'ed hard enough to scare the cats... :D

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

"Everybody lies about sex." -- RAH (pbuh)