Friday, June 15, 2012

How Urban Legends Are Born

Remember? "Put a caffinated aspirin in a short Cola and you'll get high if you drink it!" --Yeah, or just chug a few triple espressos.

I'm waitin' for the first teen to show up at the ER burping soap bubbles, 'cos Medical Science has just discovered that some kinds of baby wash make the little blighters test positive for marijuana. Yup, newborn babies from nice, dope-free families -- you there, stop snickering, not everyone you know is a stoner -- are coming up positive for THC, much to the consternation of parents and social workers.

Turns out if you check 'em with a slower, better test, they test clean; the super-mild soap merely triggers a false positive result. But that's not gonna stop some kid from chuggin' a bottle of Baby Wash just to make sure; it's just a matter of time.

(In other news: hospitals are routinely screening newborns for dope? Geesh. Big Brother is watching and he wants you to wee in this cup. Which isn't too easy if they're watching.)


Anonymous said...

Ah yes, it just makes you wonder how we all survived before all these tests and protections, doesn't it?

I think I'm (vaguely) normal and look what I was exposed to as a child:

Sabra said...

It is state law here to test all pregnant women for STDs & I think drugs as well. And there are quite a few newborn tests & routine procedures which, while not actually required by law, are performed without consent from the parents, & woe betide you if you refuse in advance. There is an eye ointment which is really only necessary if Mom has one of the aforementioned STDs, but many nurses will claim it's law. I had a time declining a newborn Hep-B vaccination for my youngest. Never mind that I can guarantee she's not going to be doing injected drugs or having unprotected sex before she can hold her own head up.

Roberta X said...

Ah, the literalness of the nanny state -- makes you wonder how the little imps managed when they were borned at home.