First Of The Year Thoughts

      So, it's the start of a whole new year and I'm looking back.

      It's a long way down from here.  My life has been largely guided by my own bad choices, hemmed in by my regrets and limited by my inability to attain my goals.  On one level, I haven't done all that bad for someone who moved out of her parent's home abruptly at 19, with no degree and no real prospects.

      On another level, I haven't managed much past bare survival and the acquisition of a limited set of skills. I have achieved very few of my ambitions, and those mostly as twisted, stunted versions of the dreams for which they serve as stand-ins or grave markers.

      Oh, I'm not unhappy.  It's a victory to have simply got this far.  But I am haunted by wondering if all this trip was really necessary.

      Well, here I am.  Might as well make of it what I can.