I. What's Wrong With This Headline dep't:
"Cops Shoot, Kill Man After Rampage" --Um, who exactly was rampaging? "Man on rampage shot and killed" might have done the trick, especially since the subhead told us, "...Police say man hurt 4 at apartments, then charged officers with knife;" so we would have been clear enough on who shot the man and that he was the rampager.
II. Until today, I was pretty certain all bank robbers were about equally stupid. Today, Joe Nitwit, The Criminal Mastermind Made Of Fail, ran into the bank shooting [UPDATE: nope, worse: he ran in, hopped the counter and shot the teller in the abdomen], wounded a teller pregnant with twins (late word was that she and the babies were expected to recover), got exactly nothing in the way of loot, and last I heard, was still on the lam. I would not give you a dime for this idiot's chances of being taken unhurt and furthermore, I'll feel a bit sorry if he isn't at least roughed up when they catch him.
III. Wonderful Headline dep't:
"Blind Homeowner Subdues Intruder" --This went down exactly as you'd think. It didn't hurt the blind guy's chances that 30 years ago he was a wresting champ and he's kept himself in decent shape; but he made his own luck and you've got to admire his grit. "...I had him pinned in the laundry room and just kept pummeling," is how he described quieting the 25 year old intruder. He kept that up 'til the intruder was under control enough he could grab him by his belt to the telephone. I suppose it would be wrong to tattoo "I was beat up by a blind man twice my age" on his forehead but I suspect the goblin rumor mill will mark him nearly as indelibly.
T. R. MCELROY'S STREAMLINED TELEGRAPH KEYS
9 months ago