I swan, I must be low on serotonin or somethin'. A long while back, I was copin' with some intractable, chronic pain and among the various things they tried on me -- in the course of convincing me that our very cleverest medicine for managing long-term pain is about a subtle as a hammer and every bit as effective as a nice placebo -- among the "wonder drugs" was something that diddled with serotonin levels. I took the stuff as directed and after about half a day...I wasn't human any more. And neither were you, any of you. Just effin' machines. Annoying machines. Somewhere way down deep, some tiny little part of me was scared and screaming to get out, terrified I was stuck and lost forever.
It took about a week to stop taking the pills. 'Cos I was programmed to, and I thought if I kept on taking them, I'd stop being not-there and it would all be okay.
It wasn't, not until a couple of days after I finally threw the horrible thing out and swore to never take such a medication again, ever.
...And this evening, my knee is givin' me a lot of backtalk where I broke it, I'm tired and in those last few days before the paycheck hits when you've got bills stacked up but dassen't write a check and, I dunno. I'm just a little bit mechanical. Annoyingly so. And I really hate it.
CHICAGO RAILROAD FAIR, 1948
3 days ago