Friday, April 11, 2008

Just A Hewer Of Wood And A Drawer Of Video Cable

...I am half-autistic from long hours and scant sleep (not to mention a hasty trip to Mr. Tax Expert, CPA that left my head buzzin'. $2K in medical, $5K in real-estate tax, $4K this and that and he still isn't sure I won't end up owing? ) but I just gotta share it: assuming the giggling geniuses in the Newsroom can figure out what time I have to be where, I will have the perfectly awesome experience of being the technoid-on-the-scene for coverage of the appearance of A Presidential Candidate here in the Circle City. And by "perfectly awesome," I mean of course, utterly sucky except for the overtime and totally lacking in potty breaks. You'll have to guess which candidate it'll be; we'll have two in town.

One of the best parts of this is, well, gee, kids, while I have sworn a solemn oath to not violate Company policy by carryin' a sidearm to work, not ever, and won't even say the word in a company vehicle, I do in fact routinely carry all manner of sharp, pointy and/or unwelcome-in-some-venues instruments on my person, from a 4" Kershaw one-hand opener to a Japanese carpenter's knife to tiny folding scissors and something they found when last I visited the City-County Building, a handcuff key. (unh, "oopsie?" Gift from an old friend; it's not current issue). These things would be no-nos when stringing wires or even only gawking where a Presidential Candidate will be and the deal is, it would take a very long time to dig the last mini-Leatherman, hair clippie, "green tweaker" screwdriver and nail-file out of my purse; even though I am myself as innocent of ill intent as a baby and as harmless to the merely loudmouthed as a kitten (who'd want to stop the Parade of Pandering to the Masses when it's this idiotically snickersome?), I'm just gonna have to gin up a "sanitized" purse with darn-all in it save phone, basic keys, a hankie and pocketbook and lock my real one up back at the shop. Sheeeeeesh.

Still, it beats bein' tackled to the ground by humorless Secret Service d00ds. On duty, they get noids by the dozen rather than the pair.

Oh, yeah: welcome t'th Free World. Same as th' Old World. Just about. Happy voting!


Alan said...

You are SO lucky.

I once made the mistake of trying to see a candidate at an event in Lubbock back in the early 80s. I was stopped at the metal detector and told I couldn't enter with a pocket knife. I was a little shocked, after all I carried it on airplanes all the time (the good old days) I wasn't tackled or hauled off for questioning. (I don't think he was actually an agent)

I said, "You're in Lubbock you know. Everyone carries a knife."

He said they'd been turning people away all morning.

And people wonder why politicians are out of touch. They live in a reality exclusion bubble.

inthepass said...


I travel quite a bit, and have "Flying" luggage,
"Non flying" luggage, and
"International" luggage.

The sad part is that there is so little difference between the Flying and International bags.

I remember when this was a free country.

homebru said...

You can always pray that something significant will break. Then you can smile and tell all "I can't fix this because I am not allowed to have the necessary tools in the secure zone".

Carteach0 said...

Uh... handcuff keys are problem?
Uh oh. I've had one or two on various key rings for many a decade.
Sold the S+W cuffs long ago, but still have keys.

When I unload at a metal detector, they usually need two of those little spit dishes they use. Sometimes they can't even figure out what's in my pockets.

"Thats a cold idle shaft adjustment lock tool for a 5.7 liter Oldsmobile diesel engine. Don't YOU carry one?"

In my school, we do not allow the students to carry pocket knives. That would be a dangerous weapon, and besides, they might damage the chain saws we hand them, while walking out to the twin turbo diesel twenty ton loader they will be running all morning.