Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Warnings For Medication They Don't Make

Lycanophage: "Warning: while this medicine suppresses the outward signs of lycanthropy, it does not cure the disease. In most cases, minor skeletal deformities, especially in finger length, are permanent. Suddenly stopping this medication can lead to howling, hirsutism/hyperpilosity and hyperactivity. Lycanophage must be a part of a complete treatment plan from your doctor. In clinical tests, some patients suffered headache, twitching, excessive fingernail growth and a desire to rip out the researchers throats. Patients must avoid using or handling silver, due to a probable severe allergic reaction."

Antivampin: "Caution! Medication will reduce but not eliminate photophobia and and extreme susceptibility to sunburn. Mirror-impairment is not consistently controlled, even after long-term use. Many patients suffered a rapid return to normal aging, which has been known to cause death in a small number of cases. You will continue to require hemoglobin supplements in your regular diet. If you suffer unusual tooth growth, sudden urges to bite people on the neck and drink their blood, see your doctor immediately. Some patients appear to have developed adverse reactions to garlic and certain religious symbols. Some studies show a slight increase in accident involving wooden stakes. If you cannot afford Antivampin due to being thousands of years old and lacking the documentation necessary to secure employment or public assistance, Azathoth-VanHelsing may be able to help. "

Haitianbinlurchin: "Persons undergoing treatment must be confined away from others for at least 24 hours after their first dose and may remain carriers for up to 48 hours. This medication does not treat kuru or other diseases transmitted by the consumption of human brains. Note that any other injuries caused during the course of this disease -- loss of extremities or limbs, sloughed flesh, etc. -- will require separate treatment. Relapse, while unlikely, has been known to occur and should be considered life-threatening, especially for persons in close proximity to the patient. Some patients experience migraine headache."

Def-Con Yeti Bait: "Keep away from children. Place in secluded places where Yeti signs have been observed. If infestation is severe or prolonged, contact a professional exterminator. Do not allow pets to consume dead Yetis."

5M Elfbane Spikes: "Install around perimeter of house. Results improved if a saucer of milk is left nightly outside the line of 5M Elfbane Spikes. Do not use for goblins, orcs or kobalds; 5M is not responsible for any damage to persons or property resulting from such misuse of product."

Underbedscare Butylmelamine (homeopathic formulation): "For best results,, take one hour before bedtime. May require 3 - 4 nights to begin effect. Monsters under bed and in closet will disappear within one week. These claims have not been evaluated by the FDA or FDIC."


New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

oh my!

Anonymous said...

My Wally Mart pharmacy plan only cover generics damn it!


BGMiller said...

All that win and a kuru reference too.




Joanna said...

Generics for these drugs are available under the "Placebix" brand. (Dunno about the Yeti repellent; if in doubt, put out bear traps baited with peanut butter.)

Mister_V said...

Would regularly taking colloidal silver cause one to become immune to lycanthropy?

Alternately, could a recently turned vampire become cured by converting to Catholicism and taking communion? I'd think drinking the blood of Christ would either cure you or kill you and it's pretty win/win for humanity.

Would anti-monster medications be controlled by the FDA or the MCB?

"5M: 66% more 'M' than the next leading competitor!"

Very funny post.

Robin said...

I could use some elf bane around here.

Justthisguy said...

Bobby, have you been hanging out on Larry Correia's site again?

Roberta X said...

Nope but I should -- that boy can write.

PS: it's Bobbi.