Saturday, January 28, 2012

Products You Don't Know You Need

The Taxidermied Jimmy Hoffa Coat Rack: He's kind of crouched back with both hands up, so you can hang coats and hats on both hands and his head. C'mon, prove to me that wouldn't sell. (You know you want one.) Aha, so that's where he's got to!

(Also the scaled-down Empire State/King Kong/Fay Wray/Biplanes coat rack. Sure, it's difficult to dust -- but flip the switch and he roars and grabs at the airplanes!)

Tacktical Baseball Bat: For keeping by the door, in black, flat dark earth, Digicam and even a 3/4-weight one in Pepto-pink "for the l'il lady," with high-tech nubby rubber grips and plenty of rails for lights, pistol bayonet(s) and general ouchliness.

Cat Handcuffs: Sure, they're wrong, but I could use 'em. Huck nearly pitched me face-first into a wok of breakfasty goodness (fried wild rice & quinoa, with cabbage, onion, celery, carrot, radish, spicy black & green olives, Emmentaler and plenty of bacon and eggs) as he and Rannie were underfooting this morning, her in hopes of a dab of bacon grease and him just 'cos the other cat was there. (Yes, Huck spurns bacon grease. Where oh where have we gone wrong?)

Chainsaw Bayonet Bayonet: Take it to the next next level! Sure, you got your Sharkhop XV Anti-zombie M4gery with a real chainsaw on it -- but what if you run outta ammo and gasoline before running out of Zeds? Add a blade to that thing! (Also good for splatter-free poking at stuff you don't wanna get all that close to.)


Dave H said...

I need to hurry and patent a single-point sling attachment for that bat.

For cat retention, have you considered Velcro? It works better than duct tape on furry clients. (Or so I've been told by the lady down on the corner.)

Cincinnatus said...

I come here because ... well because you ain't right.

And its always entertaining.

DaddyBear said...

I think Cold Steel already makes the tactical baseball bat, but I prefer a Louisville Slugger wrapped in 100 mile an hour tape.

Drang said...

I still say that Jimmy Hoffa is buried under either I-696 or I-275. They were paving both west and south of Detroit right about the time he disappeared.

Jim said...

Robin, Roberta IS TOO right.

However, Bobbi, have you considered the possibility that your internet window-shopping habits may contribute to the migraine problem? The thought of a stuffed Jimmy Hoffa gives *me* a headache. :)

Cincinnatus said...

Jim, you have to read "... well because you ain't right." in a Jeff Foxworthy voice to get it the way I meant it.

Jim said...

Just joshin' you. Robin.

Rob Reed said...

I'll take three sets of cat handcuffs please.

And express ship those, will ya? We're outnumbered 3 to 2 here.