Friday, March 26, 2010

"Dear Congressman Underhand"

Tips on contacting your Congressthing:

"You miserable so-and-so" --Okay
"I hope you are severely beaten by syphilitic mandrills flailing barbed whips" --A happy thought but Not Okay
"Your [vote/comments] on [issue] has cost you my vote" --Okay
"And my minions have redone all your topiary in rude shapes" --Not okay; likely actionable
"You should be ashamed to show your face in [district]" --Okay
"There's a pie aimed at it if you do" --Not okay during Reagan administration and still not okay. Actionable.

From what I read in the papers, you're simply nobody among D.C. Democrats unless you've received threats* (and Republicans are gettin' 'em, too). Don't give 'em ammunition. Especially don't give the media yet another excuse to paint the American public as an unruly mob in need of governing from above. Be polite, be firm and GET OUT THE VOTE! Remember, they can't throw you in jail for that -- yet.
* As we all know, no politician anywhere has ever received threatening calls or letters before now; Congresscritters were never jeered in public nor greeted by angry signs and angrier shouts. Oh my doodness gwacious no. I'll be over in the corner, hurling not rocks but my lunch back up.


Stretch said...

Does this fall in the OK column?
No? Didn't think so.

Stranger said...

CongressCritters have always reminded me of cow critters. Geld a bull and you discover all its brains were in their - ahem.

Elect a new CongressCritter and you discover they left their brains at the victory party.

That being true, remember that when addressing CongressCritters, either singly or in herds, the intelligence of a typical Critter is somewhat less than that of a small dog. They larger the herd, the dumber they are collectively.

i.e. It is easier to stampede a herd of CongressCritters off a cliff than a single Critter.

Therefore, use no language not suitable for a distinctly "slow" pre-schooler. If it is necessary to address more than one CongressCritter, speak very slowly and very distinctly. You may be understood.

As with "journalists," any language more complex than "basic" is beyond them. Although both CongressCritters and journalists are quick to copy large chunks of other people's work. Especially if they do not understand it.

Also try to insure that an interpreter is available. Most Head Start teachers can do an adequate job, given adequate renumeration. Coinage rated in "proof" is often the most appreciated. A gallon of 100 proof will usually buy a day's diligent work.

And finally, if a CongressCritter's mouth is moving it is lying.